Just stating the facts of today:
The day after our 1 year anniversary of adopting our son.
He called me at work to tell me that he missed part of football camp because he had to go to the bathroom.
At 4pm I get a call from the nanny saying he had not come home from riding his bike at the time she asked him to which was 40 minutes ago.
When I get home to ask him about it, he tells me that she told him to be home before she left, but he didn’t know when she left and he didn’t know he was late.
When I suggested that if he is too sick to fulfill his commitments with football then he should probably not be out riding his bike in the first place, he says he just won’t ride his bike ever again.
I tell him I don’t care if he rides his bike, I just care that he picks and chooses the rules he wants to live by and I would like him to choose to live by all of the rules so that it is a fair and safe place to live together.
Then I asked him why he couldn’t go to the bathroom at the football field. He tells me that all of the bathrooms are locked and he has asked the coaches to unlock them, but they won’t. So, what do I want him to do??? “Crap myself?”
So, I reprocess, and ask myself if I am being to hard in my expectations.
So, I start dinner while I process and step away from the dialog for a moment.
Quiet time for a few minutes.
Then I change the topic to give him the benefit of the doubt about being late from bike riding and I say, Maybe the nanny didn’t realize she didn’t give you a time that she needed to leave for the day. Then he says, yeah, she told me to be back in 15 minutes because that is when she needed to leave.
I say, okay, so you knew when she needed to leave and she gave you a timeline, but you chose to ignore it.
He says that he doesn’t intend to disobey, but he gets in trouble anyway. He doesn’t understand why he gets in trouble when he doesn’t intend to.
I say, “Okay, you didn’t intend to disobey. So, how does anything change? How does it get fixed?”
He thinks for 30 seconds and says that he doesn’t know.
Later, he asks me when I am going to take him to youth.
I say 25 minutes.
I sit on the back patio and read, he watches TV and then gets ready.
We get in the car to drive.
While driving, I ask him if he at least let someone know that he was going to leave. He says that he didn’t.
I don’t say anything.
Quiet for a few seconds.
Then he says that the reason he didn’t tell anyone is because some of the coaches were in the weight room and a few coaches were giving drills and he was in the bathroom.
So, I tell him that I thought the bathrooms were locked.
He says that he went to the bathroom a few times there and then just wanted to use the bathroom at home.
I am quiet for a minute or two for processing.
Then I ask him if he realizes that he just told me something that is the exact opposite of what he told me earlier at home about the bathrooms.
He says, “Yeah.”
I tell him that I think I need to start journaling all of these details.
He asks me why would I do that.
I tell him that these dialogs are so twisted and convoluted that I can barely keep them straight or make sense of them. And, sometimes I feel like I am going crazy.
David calls to tell me he is on his way home.
Before we get to church, I tell him that one of the things he said to me really stopped me in my tracks and made me process my intentions and that thing was when he asked me what did I want him to…crap himself?!?!
I said, you caused me to wonder if I should be ashamed of myself for making you think I would rather you crap yourself than give you the grace to come home. And, the stunning part of this is that you said that statement know that you were using a toilet and there was not possible way you were going to crap yourself.
He says well I was not trying to cause you to be ashamed.
I said that the sentence was used to evoke some sort of response.
He asked if we could just forget everything.
I said, you can. I am overwhelmed. I am not used to people lying to me. And, it is so disgusting and intense.
He gets out of the car and asks what time should he come out of youth.
I tell him the same time sounds good.
I drive away feeling like I can’t see up. Where is the surface. This goes so deep and it is so dark. I determine it must be a swamp and I will have to try hard to find the light.
Just stating the facts of today: